Dear Don,
Your question is a difficult one, and focuses on issues we all have to grapple with at some point in life.
I am sure you are aware that not all therapists take the same view of these issues, or would work with clients
in the same way regarding them. I will do my best to give you my perspective.
To begin, it is good that you are healthy now and have resources to provide for some of the possible developments
in your life, especially regarding your health and need for assistance. This gives you time to be intentional
and reflective about your end-of-life choices.
Your question goes to the heart of core existential issues for every human being - the meaning of life and death,
the meaning of suffering, the place of death in the cycle of life, and what we want our lives and our deaths to give
to others. No one can answer these questions for us, but here are a few things you might want to reflect on as
you grapple with them:
-
You fear being "a burden" to your children. Have you talked with them about it? Is it possible that
whatever care you may need and they may give would be an opportunity for growth for all of you?
-
How would your suicide impact your children? Would that create a "burden" that would be more difficult
for them to deal with and resolve? Have you talked with them about the issue of suicide?
-
If you have a religious affiliation or spiritual life (these are not always one and the same), how do the
issues raised by a future illness and increased need for care fit with your spiritual life? Is there a
possibility for growth and becoming through suffering or do you see it as only a negative?
-
How do you view death and the dying process. Is it something that is part and parcel of life and living,
or something that happens when life and living are over?
-
Is it a transition or an end point? Is there anything you want the way you deal with your death and dying
to say to those you love and leave behind?
These are not easy issues, and I encourage you to find someone who can help you with your journey through them.
One issue that weaves through all of these matters is how we deal with our limitations. We all have them, and some
are best overcome if possible. Others cannot be overcome and they challenge us to understand ourselves, our worth
and our values in new ways.
As we age, we face more and more limitations in our physical strength, our wellness, our energy, and many other areas.
In some ways we don’t seem like ourselves. In reality, I think it is during these years that we find out most deeply
who we truly are – without all the external trappings and distractions. And the realization of our own mortality, the
diminishing time we have left in this life, and the profound changes in our bodies and our daily living brings us face
to face with the most profound questions of our lives.
This is why no one can answer your question for you. You are at a significant crossroads in your life, and I encourage
you to use the resources available to you that can help you answer it for yourself. The journey of the reflection may
well be the most significant journey of your life.
By Suzanne Halfen, Psy.D.
Dear Linx Letters:
I'm not very good at directing my thoughts away from the things that worry me. I try putting on the radio or
listening to an audio book, but sometimes I like to keep my space quiet. Any advice for how to keep my mind
off my worries while enjoying some silence?
Thanks, Arwen
Dear Arwen,
What a good question! This is a challenge for most of us at various times in our lives. There are a number
of things that can make it harder to accomplish at times. I will try to give you an overview of some of the
things that lead us to focus on worries, and a few approaches that people find helpful in quieting those worries.
One reason our worries pop up anytime we aren’t actively focused on something else is because we haven’t dealt
with them sufficiently. Worry is a milder form of fear, and sometimes we need to reflect on what it is that
we’re afraid of before the worry will quiet down. Often we are afraid that something will happen –or, will not
happen – and that we won’t be able to deal with it, or it will be painful for us. Our psyches scramble around
looking for a way we can control things to ensure a positive outcome. So we “worry” the issue. We keep going
back to it over and over, scripting possible actions or scenarios and desired outcomes. When we do this we feel
less helpless – although that is often an illusion! Sometimes stopping the worry involves growing in our awareness
and acceptance of our limitations and influence.
First, it is important to address the worries and try to gain clarity about what is going on. It can be helpful
to reflect on a few questions, and journal about this:
1) What is my fear in this situation that worries me?
2) Is there something I can and should do - some action that I am not taking? If so, what is keeping me from acting?
If not, can I accept that I am unable to influence the outcome of this thing that worries me?
Second, being aware that we have worries or fears going on, it is very helpful to practice and use good emotional
self-care skills. Specifically with worry, fear, agitation or anger, we need to quiet ourselves in a healthy way.
This means a gentle, compassionate “Sshhh – I’m ok”. There are many ways people do this – find what works for you.
Sometimes actually saying “Sshhh – I’m ok, I’m safe”, can bring quiet. Other times you may need more, such as wrapping
a warm blanket around you, rocking in a chair, playing soothing music, or lighting a candle. The important thing is
to be present and intentional in your efforts to quiet your fears, and try to stay at it until you feel yourself quiet
down. If your worrying is chronic, you may want to find someone to talk to about it, or find a good massage therapist
to help you reduce your stress.
Third, in those instances were you are clear about your fear and you are accepting the limits of your ability to affect
the outcome, you may experience pain and grief. If you allow yourself to grieve, you may be quieter inside because you
become less afraid of the pain.
Your hunger for silence is significant. It is difficult to have silence for its own sake. Most people seek silence
so they can reflect, pray, rest, or meet some other need or value that requires silence. Many people turn to their
spirituality, prayer life, or other practices that help connect us with our center and quiet us. Once you have processed
the questions above, if it fits for you, you can move to those spiritual practices you are familiar with, or perhaps learn
something new. Many people find yoga to be an effective way of centering and quieting. Another approach that is growing
throughout the country is called Centering Prayer. It is non-denominational and helps you learn to get quiet and centered.
If this interests you, I recommend the book Open Mind, Open Heart by Thomas Keating, who is the leading expert on Centering
Prayer. You can also contact the Center for Contemplative Living (303-0698-7729) and ask for information about their classes
on Centering Prayer, or go to Contemplative Outreach . If you have a religious
affiliation you might research similar options within that group
I hope you find something helpful in all of this. I want to wish you well in your quest for silence. It is well worth the journey.
By Suzanne Halfen, Psy.D.
Dear Linx Letters:
My boss is a very cranky older man, who is making my work life pretty uncomfortable. He can be nice at times, but at other
times, he seems to be blaming me for the amount of work he has to do. He is cranky and mean, at times, to me, but nice to
others in the office. Sometimes I feel like his "whipping boy". The question I have is, should I leave, or try to work this
out with him. Apparently its a pattern -- I've heard others have quit because of his personality. What do you think?
Ellen
Dear Ellen,
My first question is, Do you have a pattern of working for cranky people who target you with their bad attitudes? If the answer
is Yes, it's time to take action and set appropriate boundaries. Then do some exploration into yourself to see where this pattern
started, and what you do to contribute to the dynamic. If the answer is No, it may well be that this is the nature of your boss,
and your first line of defense would be to "Not take it personally." Then go back to number one, and set appropriate boundaries.
You can start by letting him know in an even tone, in private, that it's not acceptable for him to treat you badly. Give him
an example of a specific behavior that you found unprofessional or demeaning, and tell him how it made you feel. You may need
to ask him if he has specific objections to your level of work, and if so, to let you know in a professional manner and in a way
that clearly states what he's looking for instead.
If there is a risk of you losing your job if you were to confront him, no matter how gently, you may need to include the support
of a Human Resources person, and ask the HR manager to be present at any meetings with your boss that address his behavior to you.
Healthy environments allow people to address complaints without recrimination, but unhealthy environments repress them. You will
have to consider your environment and possible repercussions against you very carefully before taking action. You may need your job
more than your boss needs you, at least until you can find a better one. Sometimes the best action is to quietly leave and to uphold
higher standards for any future situation you get in to.
In an experiment with monkeys many years ago, babies were taken from their mother and given a bottle from a "wire" monkey, who was
not just cold and harsh but made with barbed wire. The young monkeys, while cut and bleeding, still clung to their "barbed" mother
because she held the milk. If our early caretakers were harsh even as they delivered our nurturance, our means for survival, we,
like the monkeys, learned to stick with them even as we got hurt trying to get to the "milk." Hopefully you are not caught in this
very unfortunate pattern, but if you are, it's time to recognize that you, just like every other human being, are worthy of safe and
supportive nurturance (in this case, a way to make a living.) If your boss does not take the hint from you to become more appropriate,
find another job.
Good luck!
By Beth Strong, MA, LPC
Dear Linx Letters:
My 23 year old daughter has been diagnosed with Bipolar and social anxiety. How much should I push her to be "normal"? She sleeps a lot, doesn't help enough around the house, puts off doing errands and is disrespectful to me. I know she can't handle pressure, so I'm wondering how much pressure should I put on her to do better?
Tina
Dear Tina,
You've been putting up with a lot! Your daughter may be bipolar, but she is still an adult. If you have invited her to live in your home, you can set the parameters as to her behavior and her attitude. Mental illness does not give anyone license to be disrespectful, unless they have dementia. My guess is the two of you have set patterns of "accepted" behavior into motion years ago, and are so rutted in these patterns that it will take a lot of conscious effort for either of you to shift. That's okay, it still can be done.
I suggest you have a "family meeting" with her that is a true give-and-take of ideas, needs and concerns. She may need to sleep more than you need her to be up and active. You may need her to contribute to household tasks to keep from feeling resentful of having her in your home. Bipolar disorder is a general term that relates to a very wide spectrum of issues. Some people who are bipolar are very high functioning and manage full time careers along with rich family lives; others are so overwhelmed with the intensity of mood swings, and even intermittent psychotic episodes and bouts of rage, that they are unable to keep the simplest of jobs and need to be on disability. It would be helpful for you to have a conversation with your daughter about how much she thinks she can handle, along with how much you can handle, much as you would do with a new roommate. Another possibility is for your daughter to sign a Release of Information form so that you can speak with her diagnosing practitioner, so that she or he can give their professional opinion as to how much strain your daughter is under, and how much of regular activities she can manage. (Given your daughter's right to confidentiality with her provider, that is ALL I would recommend you ask.)
When I see adult children disrespecting their parents, I often see parents who somehow, usually unwittingly, have given their kids the message that they would tolerate that disrespect. When a child (adult offspring) has a mental illness it's hard for the parent not to feel guilty, or somehow obligated to overindulge to make up for how their child is suffering. You are under no such obligation. I'm sure you know it's not your fault that your daughter is bipolar. But it is time to let her know that her disrespecting you is something you will no longer tolerate. This leads to a whole other conversation about what conveys respect or disrespect. Different people have surprisingly different ideas about each. I'd recommend that you ask your daughter if she feels respected by you. You can't do it in a challenging way - it has to be earnest. It's a fair opener for letting her know how hard it has been for you. Plus, you might learn something surprising.
You've survived what's supposed to be the most challenging years with your daughter: adolescence. It's never easy to reflect our children's ever-changing level of development, and you have a double challenge with the bipolar diagnosis. Yet, you might take some time to reflect on the moments someone has seen you as you are, seen the heart of you, and how good it felt. You and your daughter have an opportunity here to see each other's point of view. That alone could shift everything.
Good luck!
By Beth Strong, MA, LPC
Dear Linx Letters:
I am a 45 year old divorced woman. My whole life I’ve been drawn to the wrong sort of man. My father was emotionally detached and this is what I unconsciously seek out. I’ve recognized what the problem is, but how can I change my behavior to break this cycle?
MK
Dear MK,
Your problem is a common one, but you're taking an important step in that you've recognized a crucial aspect to it: there IS something you can do to break the cycle.
Each of us seems to unconsciously recreate a dynamic very similar to our childhood situation. At first this might seem like crazy masochism, but it's actually the psyche's desire to heal an unresolved longing. We figure that if we get a partner who is enough like mom or dad, AND we can make this similar person love us in a way we never succeeded in as a child, then we've accomplished an important task: proving to ourselves that we're lovable. Kids take responsibility for their parents' shortcomings. We might think "Dad was emotionally detached because I wasn't good enough." Unconsciously, adults have a hard time letting go of the decisions we made as children. Intellectually we can see through this child logic, but we feel that it's true. The only way to prove otherwise is to have an adult relationship with someone who is enough like dad that it feels like a "re-test," who we can make love us. The problem is, it was never the child's fault to begin with: it's just how dad was. And it's just how your partners have been, too.
So the first step in changing the pattern is to tell yourself very, very often that you really do deserve to be loved. If you listen carefully to your inner voice, you may find some resistance to this idea. That's okay. Just listen as you would to a child who tells you all the reasons she should be allowed to have ice cream five minutes before dinner, but with compassion! That quiet resistant is showing you your core beliefs about being inadequate. Again, imagine talking with a child (because you are - your inner child) with loving patience and an attitude of "that's an interesting thought, how sad that you feel that way!" Continue this for some months, always following through with the possibility that you are deserving of good things.
My hunch is that when you eventually realize you've "done it again," chosen a man who is emotionally aloof, you react with, "Duh! How could I have missed that?" You see signs that were present all along, but that you managed to ignore. What signs are these? Does he call just a little less often than you'd prefer? Does he show up late to planned events with little remorse? Does he pull away shortly after you've had some emotional intimacy? Does he have other interests that prevent him from spending as much time with you as you would like?
One of the behaviors I see most frequently in people who are with unavailable partners is that they don't ask for enough for themselves. They've bought into the myth that it's not cool to want to spend time together; that it's "clingy" to become closer as the relationship progresses; that you're "needy" if you're thinking of growing a family. There's nothing wrong with these needs. If the man you are with makes you feel bad about having them, then he's the one who is not right for you. It's likely you're not right for each other, but often the emotionally unavailable man will make the woman feel that something is wrong with her for having these needs. The only thing wrong is that he can't fulfill them.
I'd suggest you make a list of characteristics you can see in retrospect of the unavailable men you've known. Put it up on your refrigerator (or someplace you look at it everyday, if you don't want it so in the open.) Ask a good friend to help you spot those characteristics in people you're not likely to get involved with (to eliminate the emotional charge while you're learning.) The next time you are interested in someone get the friend to help with using a cold analytic eye on the list. How likely is your new man to fit a majority of the characteristics? More importantly, how responsive is your man to your requests for connection? You'll know you're making improvements when the man makes many of these emotionally connecting overtures to you!
Many of the things I've mentioned are hard to access for ourselves. We have blind spots. Because of the depth of the pattern you describe, you would probably benefit from working with a therapist for a while; your inner changes and beliefs will evolve into more healthy ones more quickly than you could probably achieve on your own.
Good luck!
By Beth Strong, MA, LPC